I have been inactive from this blog for over a year, I am sorry but I had to grow up. Grow up as in pay rent and bills. When I look at all my older posts it makes me sad because I was a lot happier and more carefree, I could spend all my extra money on things I really wanted. Don't get me wrong I still am an avid makeup and beauty lover but I no longer have time to review or blog about any of it and it really does suck. I'm about to make this post very personal and detailed because it is 1am and I am always stressing.
My life has really changed, I rent a townhouse with some roommates and I mostly pay for all the rent myself. I started working at a restaurant I used to work at in my hometown but the company is opened a location at where I attend college. In June I trained to become a server and had since served but I am currently back to hosting because of people quitting. I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 10 months. I really didn't realize how spoiled and sheltered I was in high school until now. Most people probably do not get thrown into the real world until they graduate college, me, I am not so lucky.
Balancing school, work, sleep, and my social life is very hard. The bills keep piling up and the thing is, I do not have much help. Not because my parents do not want to, but they cannot help compared to my other peers. I have become bitter towards the people who's job is just to go to school and study. All the money I make goes towards living here because I have to go to school here. I get over scheduled at work but at the same time I have to work a certain amount of days to make a certain amount a week in order to live and breathe. I work close to 30 hours a week, I am not begging for these hours but sometimes I need to in order to hit the amount I need.
I also joined a sorority this year because it is something I've always wanted to do since I was young, like the movies which is funny because I did not realize how far fetched my dreams are. I really do love my sisters and they're supportive but I cannot put as much into my membership since I am also working since I have to. I want to do so much more, I want to be like other girls. And it just sucks that I have to pay for all my dues too which add up. I did not realize how deep I dug my grave until I moved off campus. FASFA definitely shielded me when I lived on campus.
I did not have a hard time eating when I lived on campus and I have no idea why they did not give me enough money to pay rent and eat living off campus. I really do not get it. I probably check my bank account as much as I check Facebook because money is always on my mind and it is not healthy.
My mom asked me if I was doing well in school because "I partied a lot" according to Facebook. And honestly I do not know if I'm going to do well but I need to go to these concerts I enjoy so much because that is one of the only things that is keeping me sane and normal feeling. I do not think it is unfair to think that I can have some fun right? I was just born into a shitty situation where the 2008 economy screwed us all over. They promise all this money and jobs for people who go to college but I feel like I am dying trying to get this American Dream. My father literally was the poster kid for American Dreams as he was an immigrant knowing no English, yet he graduated college here with a bachelors in Computer Science, he bought brand new houses for his family and was literally screwed when his company does not have a project for him because he is too expensive compared to someone coming out of college. What is the promise of the American Dream if it ends before retirement. Do they not realize how many people they screw over because they do not have enough jobs for the educated.
I always think "is college for me?". I am surrounded by coworkers who got their degrees but they are just bartenders or servers. Is that going to be me? I am trying to get out of my grave but it keeps getting deeper and deeper. I am trapped. I used to be a spoiled brat from one of the richest and most educated counties but the moment you can't keep up, you're trapped. Trapped with the expectation and education to further it but no longer with the means. I have all these high expectations for myself, I have so much potential, but to reach it, it requires a fund I no longer have.
I am on my own. 1 year ago, was I this bitter and cold? I don't think so but 1 year ago I wasn't given 5 different priorities but only the choice to keep 2 on my plate. They say money does not make you happy, but I am not happy, I am not free because of the lack of. I am trying to keep up with my past lifestyle. It sucks because all my friends in high school aren't worrying about work and school. My dad wants me to quit my job and he said he will help because he can pick up another shift because he wants to. But how am I supposed to accept a handout from someone that barely has anything to handout. Is that human of me? How does he keep giving when he barely has enough to give himself.
I work so hard to get nothing. I don't even think I have any dignity anymore. There is nothing to me. I am not trying to pity myself because I know others have it worse but 2015 you have been my worse year yet. I am trying so hard to get out of this hole that got so deep but it's so hard. I used to see the light and walk in it but I was pushed into this dark hole.
I don't know what to do anymore. Being demoted because of someone else's fault hurts my situation so much. I don't get the respect I need to feel somewhat alive. I am barely breathing and it's 2015. Help, but funny thing I have a hard time accepting it because I am not used to it, I was raised to be independent but this is my cry for help.